I couldn’t sleep. I was visited by a migraine that wouldn’t and it wouldn’t let me go. I was up until about 5am just..thinking. It was tough to attempt to move, let alone fall asleep. My head was pounding and I felt really cold. The room wasn’t cold, it felt like it was just me. Sometimes it feel like my entire nervous system deadens. I’m wondering if that could be associated with something.
I knew something was wrong with me when I listened to the same song over and over for about an hour. I could barely hear it playing at some points. I didn’t even realize I did that until I happen to glance at the clock. I felt stuck in my thoughts and time somehow moved around me. I felt disconnected from everything.
And I keep having these weird dreams. They’re never happy, not even happy adjacent. In dreams I’m constantly reminded of all the reasons I hate myself. And usually that causes others to hate me. Then that leads to me being chased or killed.
Now that I’m thinking about, I think I know what triggered the migraine.
I spent some time last night researching the odds of getting into New York University. And the chance of me getting in is very small. I read a list of things they look for in potential students and I don’t think I’m an example of their type.
They stressed how they appreciate someone who has spent time doing an assortment of extracurricular activities on their own or in high school. They like this because it shows “character”. I got the vibe that SAT scores are only kind of important to them, unlike the extracurricular stuff. They still like high scores, but I guess they are willing to look past a moderate score if you participated in charities and such.
I feel sick..
I’ve never been active in school. I barely finished high school on time because I was absent so often. There’s no excuse because I just didn’t care. I had other things I needed to sort out and school was never on my mind, let alone college. I didn’t go to a normal high school either. I went to several odd schools within the span of five years.
And I never took my SAT. There was no point. I wasn’t taught the usual stuff. I never experienced Chemistry, Biology, anything higher than level 1 Algebra. The schools I went to didn’t focus on schoolwork. They wanted to make sure we were comfortable being ourselves and in group settings. So we were basically forced to talk about our feelings and do a lot of social workouts.
Yeah, these shitty schools do exist. I don’t recommend one of if you are sane. They only take students with behavioral problems, mental disabilities, and suicidal kids. That’s the only reason why I went. Long story short, my town thought I needed to be in one of them and I agreed.
So I have no reason to even think that NYU would take me. It’s stupid to think otherwise anyway. I’m already way behind mentally with people in my age group. I haven’t accomplished anything. And I’m sick of daydreaming about things that are way out of my reach. Why do I do this to myself?
And to think my high school reunion is in five years. They couldn’t pay me..


