Ramble

I know I have to be worth something..even if it’s trash.

I keep thinking about my past and it makes me angry. The choices I made when under pressure are slowly coming back and haunting me. Why did I say those things that caused other people pain? My quick wit has gotten me in trouble once or twice, or more. Was that why I was given the same amount of crap back? But stuff I said in the past was because I was on edge most of the time. School made me edgy and that’s probably why I’m so darkly cynical now. It’s a cycle, I’m learning.
I don’t like sharing my ultimate goals in life. Thus leaving the appearance of me now really having any at all. But I have shared some stuff on here before, I’m making progress. But one thing I’ve wanted for a long time is recognition for my achievements. I think it would awesome if I had written the ultimate screenplay that would become well known. I want my name to be listed on school websites, letting everyone know that I was a prior student. It’s not the superficial parts of fame that I’m looking for, I just want to know that I matter.

I want people to know that I give a damn when it seems like the complete opposite is occuring. I’m a decent writer, I have to be. People have send me e-mails since I started posted my work around the internet. The e-mails have been amazing because I’m just happy that someone out there took my writing seriously. The ones that I love the most are from people who found a way to invest more in their creativity. They claimed I guided them in the right direction of becoming a better writer. A person once stated that they found an article I had written to be particularly awe-inspiring. How awesome is that?

I live for that kind of stuff. That’s the type of recognition I want. To say that I have helped others in some way really gets to me. I guess because it’s the complete opposite of how I grew up. I was too invisible back then to showcase anything, so I didn’t try. Now I’m slowly realizing that maybe I have a little something that I can share. But sometimes, when my spirits are low, I don’t experience that feeling like I should.

I’ll stop here, I sound like I’m high or drunk. I ate a lot of late night pizza last night.

Peace out.

Lazy Monday

Almost didn’t post. I woke up late again. And before I could barely open my eyes, I was informed that I will be taking a class. It almost sounded like a threat. I’m not too worried about it yet, I’m still out of it and I need some caffeine.

I guess my life will be out of my hands to in order to keep me constantly productive. I don’t know what anyone wants from me. I hate the pull/push effect. It’s not causing me to become closer to my goals, just overall cautious and slow about it. I’ve tried being as productive as possible, but pushing me to complete my screenplay has been complicated. I don’t really know how to go about it. I take this as a good sign because that means I’m not rushing a story out of the theme I have so far. I still miss that 80 page script I got rid of back in 2006. My anger and frustration caused me to delete the file and then break the CD it was on.

I’m a little older and wiser to be doing that again. But I was mad at something, something stupid actually. And sometimes when I’m pissed something of mine breaks. And then I just feel like shit after the fact. But I’ve learned to control that rage. I step away from whatever is going on and listen to music. I still have urges to break things, I’m not completely cured of that, but I’m working on it.

For the past couple of weeks I must have had over 7 McDonald’s bacon Angus burgers. They haunt me, they’re so addicting. I didn’t even like bacon, I tolerated it, but now I don’t hesitate to eat it. If someone were to give me one out of nowhere, we’d be best buds for life..as long as they still keep them coming.

Now that I’m up I don’t know what to do. I could attempt to write, but I’m thinking that would be useless. I can barely type at the moment, I’ll wait an hour or two.

My main reason for being tired is because my weekend was spent catching up on TV episodes. I’m finally all caught up with the show “Weeds”..so awesome. And “Big Love” was crazy yesterday. I have to work on “Dexter” now.

Later.

Thinking Post

What happened to the mega blizzard we were supposed to have? It’s not like I would have gone to NYC for that snowboarding event, but I thought about it and put it aside when I heard about the storm coming. It really was my loss.

Sometimes I wonder why I still write on this blog every day. I’ve been dilligent, more so than I thought I would be. The only days I missed were due to unfortunate circumstances, not because I didn’t feel liking posting. But a better question is..what keeps me coming back? I don’t have a complete answer yet, but I’m thinking. I mostly keep typing these out because it’s become part of my daily routine. “It’s not for the glory”, that kind of thing. But would I still type out my thoughts if I knew that no one would be reading these? Probably not, honestly. I think I get some sort of connection in an absurd way with people.

But I’ve been thinking about how I come across to other people on here that do read this stuff. Am I cool? Interesting? Fucking crazy? Disillusioned, or something else? It crosses my mind a lot. It doesn’t make me self conscience, but I’m curious. I don’t really care if someone finds me boring, but then again I do because I would try to improve something that I may be lacking. Constructive criticism can be useful. And thinking about it too much is damaging.

I didn’t get enough sleep. I can’t think of anything else to type. And I need beer.

Another short one.

A Year Later

I still shocked that this even happened to someone like myself. A year ago today someone gave me a great reason to live. A little drastic to say, but it’s the truth. I was given some light in the time of my darkness and yet..it was over before I could really adjust my seat.

I’ll be referring to the one I’m talking about by the letter ‘T’..just in case said person somehow finds this blog. But my main reason for typing this out is because these are things I never got to say to ‘T’ and as corny as it sounds..it’s nowhere near heartwarming.

Excuse the letter format..
To T:

Last year at this time I had started my day unlike I usually do. I had actually left the house and met up with a family friend. But I didn’t know that my life would somehow become a little different a few hours later. I never liked Myspace, but that day I went on there to see if anyone was online that I could talk to. I did and you were willing to chat with me. At first I figured we’d talk for a while and then probably never speak again, that was my original intent. But you made the conversations interesting and I found myself speaking more about myself than I actually wanted to. I guess I did that because I wanted to know a lot about you. The ‘you’ that never showed up.

What’s weird is the unfamiliarity that never happened. We talked liked we knew each other for years and never made an attempt to hang out. It was weird. We could easily read each other and that was also weird to me because I ripped my pages out years before. But you said that you knew I was keeping my distance. I didn’t quite realize that at the time, but I understand it now. And I was, partially due to your blatant uncertainty. You even called me an ass because sometimes I pretended to be full of myself or overly judgmental. Well I was joking, but I think you took most of that seriously. That was me being a nervous ass, not actually myself.

You tried to put me in my place during our conversations sometimes and I refused to back down. I could tell your were searching for something in my personality. You never said it, but you wondered if I were the real deal. But you’ll never know because you didn’t give me a fucking chance. I had a little over a month to express myself, time that was fair in some ways, but you can’t know everything about one person in such little time frame. You were pulling away too. I guess two people that never allow themselves to be completely vulnerable don’t go together. It’s just a wall hitting another wall. But sometimes I think I made a little more effort than you did.

I still wonder if you were lying about a lot of things. Our similarities with our school backgrounds and our overall nervous in a school setting was our common ground. Good luck finding another fucked up soul to relate to. I don’t know..maybe you saw another side of me that I wasn’t aware of. I think I intimiated you. You gave me compliments that seemingly came out of nowhere and you said some things about me being out of your league. And I told you it was the other way around. Two heavily insecure, fucked up people trying to find something beyond each other’s wall of self doubt.

We spent a little over a month talking until you got bored, I guess. The last few days were different. Our conversations were lighter, we didn’t really have anything to say to each other..well you didn’t. Now I know that you were also talking to your new object of lust or whatever. You claimed to have met someone in your city and fell in love. That’s fine, but at least be honest and upfront about it from the beginning. You decided to limit our chat hours for this other person, again, that’s fair. But I’m still miffed about the way you handled that. You literally let me in your fucking home via webcam and you were still making promises of us meeting up in the summer. All while planning to go in different direction after the fact.

I guess you went for whatever/whoever was closer. I think you took our long distance for granted and did whatever because you told yourself not to fall in any deeper with me. I should be pissed as hell, but I’m not. The first person I ever thought about future-wise and it fucking goes to waste. That’s what I’m confused about. I think this says more about me than you. This just proves that I can’t trust anyone. How the hell did I let myself go and enjoy the company of another? I usually shut people out if they get too close to me. But I took a chance and on the first try I fail ultimately. I’ve moved on in a lot of ways. But how do I know? I don’t know anything about relationships. Does having that experience make me experienced? Who the fuck knows. I’m just a recluse with an abundance of regrets and lost causes. Last summer was going to be ours, we made plans and it went to shit.

In the end you said that I was not ready for any kind of relationship.. You were right I wasn’t, especially one with you involved. But I’m not pissed, I just don’t like open-ended endings. You don’t even talk to me, whatever you ended, ended our ability to relate to one another with words. You know how to keep in touch with me, but I know we’ll most likely never speak again. Still, if we were to talk again, I’d listen. I still like you a lot and maybe I’m an idiot for doing so. You’re the first relationship I’ve had (if I can call it one) and it turned out to be a love/hate one.

It’s fucked up that I still wonder how you’re doing. If you still have my home address, never hesitate to say ‘hey’ if you’re ever on the east coast. I got rid of all of your information, so it’s up to you.

I thought this song says more than I can come up with.

Do I feel a little bit better a year later? Kind of. Did I learn something? Definitely.

Relationships equal vulnerability minus yourself plus doubts added pressure times regret.

For me, partial regret.

(40) Days Of ‘T’

Start Of A Boring Weekend

I was told last night to walk the dogs because my aunt worked late and was too tired to do so. So she wanted me to do it, but she knew she had to bribe me haha. I was seriously tired and lazy and I was not feelin’ it. But then she said that she’d buy me a McDonald’s bacon Angus burger two nights in a row. Well..I walked those dogs haha. She knows I’ll do almost anything for food. Some days it’s just better than cash. But will I collect? I don’t know if she’ll stay true to her word. She’s unbelievably absent-minded and I can’t hold that against her if she forgets. Tonight is night one, so I’ll be waiting.

I saw on the news today about something taking place in NYC tomorrow. They shipped in real snow in the middle of Manhattan and are allowing people to ski and snowboard for a couple of hours tomorrow. An I want to go so badly. They are giving snowboarding lessons too..I need to be there. But unfortunately we are in for a huge snow storm here on the east coast. So I’m guessing the only people that will get to go tomorrow will be the New Yorkers. I heard we are only getting about 6 to 8 inches in this county, but that could change. South Jersey will most likely get 20 inches..not fair.

But..I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. I hate go places by myself, as lame as that sounds. I can’t really enjoy my  solitude alone, I like sharing experiences with others. And I’d get worried if I ended up lost in NYC  alone haha.  But the thought about the visit was just a thought, not matter much how I would have liked to go. Did I mention that it’s going to be free? Nothing ever goes my way..

Friday nights are lame here. Nothing to do in this area if you don’t have a car. There are tons of bars here, but I’m not that stupid to walk into one. I’ve heard stories and they just aren’t my scene..especially the ones in this town. Scary shit. I’m not even near a rural area, but it feels like I am. I’m an hour away from the city, but still  there are no indentations of that sort of lifestyle here either. The suburbs just sucks sometimes. It could be worse, but this doesn’t really match with the utopia in my head.

I guess I should be lucky I have my imagination to get through slow nights like this.

Tomorrow should be a day for writing..if I’m up to it.

Peace.

Cliff Notes

I feel like I should be doing something. Or maybe I’m missing something. Collective thoughts do me more harm than anything else. And I don’t know what to write, so this one might be really short for once. So I’ll cover the usual..in a cliff notes version.

I didn’t have any dreams.

I’ve been extremely and unusually hungry constantly.

I have constant back aches.

I have an urge to doing something stupid.

I can’t stop thinking negative thoughts.

I’ve been feeling weird.

I’m bored as hell.

And I’m tired.

Another dull day left behind. At least my show comes on tonight.

Oscar Season

Yesterday I was completely out of it. I blame that depressing movie haha.

That time of year has arrived again. Oscar season. It’s fun to watch the nominations be announced, I know that the show uses a lot of politics when choosing movies. Sometimes certain films are really as good as they say they are. But still they are usually interesting to me. There are 10 films in the Best Picture category and I’ve seen 7 so far. I’ve yet to accomplish seeing all films nominated, in the past I usually only saw one or two. All I need to see is Avatar (which I’m not really interested in), An Education, and Inglourious Basterds. I’m a Tarantino fan, but it’s taking me a long time to get to IB because it doesn’t look that appealing to me. I wish it involved zombies..

Precious is a really great film, so well acted by everyone in that movie. The story is so raw, which pulls you in from the start. I like the fact that it doesn’t sugar coat the story and neatly wrap it in a bow at the end. That’s why it felt so realistic to me. Things happen in life that are hard to talk about and share with others. And some films like to create happy endings in order for the viewers to feel comforted in some way. But this film goes against that and shows us that we are not always handed good fortune in the end. Since Avatar is in the Best Picture category, I don’t think that Precious would be chosen. But it’s one of my favorites and I think it has a good chance of winning.

The Hurt Locker, I’m sure hits home for everybody. This movie is the closest thing to experiencing the war that most of us will come to know. The overall harshness was eye opening to me because I definitely felt many different things at once. I was angry, sad, disappointed, everything that the American people go through every day. It just makes you appreciate those who choose to go to war and fight for this country’s lives.

Up In The Air is another favorite of mine. I like films that speak about life and show us the contrasts between ourselves and those we come to know. Everyone makes decisions based on what they think is right for them. Sometimes we create walls to protect ourselves  from others and sometimes we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When we choose to be vulnerable we may lose a piece of ourselves to achieve a higher outlook on life. But would one go through all of that trouble? I thought this film led me to asking myself a bunch of questions about how I run my life.

A Serious Man is an odd one. I don’t really know what to say. I think it’s one of those films where you need to watch it twice (maybe more) to fully understand what is going on. I tried to keep up, but it wasn’t pulling me in like I wanted it to. I like the Coen Brothers, but I wasn’t sure where they were going with this. I just kept waiting for something to happen, to let me know why I had been watching it in the first place. And the ending I did not get, it was very abrupt.

Up is another favorite of mine because of it’s originality. The first 20 minutes are so profound while you find yourself being a kid again. The excitement of new things with a fondness of appreciating love and what you have are emanated throughout the film. Everyone wants the ultimate adventure. Actually, we already are experiencing one because we never know where life will lead us. And you kind of want to have a bunch of balloons placed inside your home too for a rainy day.

The Blind Side reminds us that things are possible. That miracles can happen if you look around more often. It also reminds us that there are kind people amidst all of the crazy behavior people tend to have.  The fact that this family took in a kid at a time when he needed help the most is amazing. But film wise..we’ve seen these kinds of stories before. I thought it was a good film, but a bit preachy in some areas. I felt like something was missing, I don’t know what happened in real life, but something was definitely missing. I didn’t “hit” me like I wanted it to, instead it fell flat in some places. I don’t think it has a shot of winning honestly.

District 9 was a clever one. Normally I’m not into science fiction, but I gave it a shot and it proved me wrong, my judgment had been false. I saw it as a look into the past. When you think of a lot of occurrences that have happened all over the world you kept help but skim the surface of the times where humans were treated unfairly. And I mean unfairly in the worst possible ways. As I was watching this I kept thinking of Rwanda and the Holocaust and it was making me ill. Humans can be the ultimate hell on earth. Some people feel some sort of entitlement over others and that’s ultimately how wars can begin. It’s not a film to be taken lightly, but I don’t think it going to win.

And I understand why Invictus is not in the Best Picture category. The movie was slow, the soundtrack is awesome as is the directing and acting , but it was honestly slow. I went in with high expectations and ended up keeping an eye on the time.

So I have a month to figure out who’s going to take home the award. I have fun doing that because I also treat it as a Science. I like figuring out why certain movies win over others. What elements do they have that their fellow nominations didn’t. Like I said, there seems to be a lot of politics involved, but I’m still curious.

My picks for Best Original Screenplay are Mark Boal’s “The Hurt Locker” and Peter Docter, Bob Peterson, and Tom McCarthy’s “Up”.

Best Animated Feature needs to go to “The Fantastic Mr. Fox” because Wes Anderson is a genius.

Best Actor should go to George Clooney for his great performance in “Up In The Air”.

Best Actress should go to Gabourey Sidibe for “Precious”. I’m shocked that this is her first film. And she almost didn’t do it because she wanted to focus on her school work.

Best Supporting Actor should go to Stanley Tucci’s performance in “The Lovely Bones”.

Best Actress should go to either Mo’Nique’s brilliant performance in “Precious” or Vera Farmiga’s amazing performance in “Up In The Air”.

I really hope to see my name in the category for Best Original Screenplay one day. That’s also another reason why I watch the ceremony. I like knowing what the themes of the winners have and try and write something similar, yet different, that pertains to that. But you never know what will be chosen, so..

CJay out.

For Mia

I started my day with a film that people had claimed to be depressing. And well..it was. And it really was a great movie, but I don’t think I could stomach it again. Animal stories really get to me.

It’s called “Hachiko: A Dog’s Tale”. An Akita is shipped from Japan, but never makes it to his destination. Instead he gets loose at a train station. Then he meets a man that eventually forms an attachment to him and keeps him. And every day the man went to work by train and the dog would wait for him at the station until he returned from work. And it is based on a true story.

It got me thinking about the Akita mix we had named Mia. She had to be put to sleep almost 3 years ago. It was depressing to see he go because I had never met a dog like her. She was highly intuitive, could open doors, could sense things greater than any human could. In 2006 we had just put our Dalmatian, Pongo, to sleep and Mia would wait for him to come home. It was depressing to watch her do this. Then in 2007 she got sick herself after we had just gotten a puppy, Jett. Then the day we put Mia down, Jett’s demeanor changed for a few days before returning to her puppy ways. She too waited for Mia to come home. Well Jett (and her brothers) are 3 years old now and I still wonder if she remembers Mia at all and if so, does she think about her.

Mia protected Jett from a large dog that scared her during a walk, Jett was about 5 months old. Mia calmly stood in front of her, blocking her view from the larger dog. And she always made sure that Jett was out of harm’s way. One time we went to my aunt and uncle’s house and we took separate cars. so Mia and Jett were split up and did not know each other were going. The whole time Jett played with my aunt’s dogs Mia kept her distance but watched out for her. When it was time to leave I had gotten into the car first with Jett in my lap. One of my aunts tried to get Mia in the other car, but she refused go because Jett wasn’t behind her.

So we opened the door and let her see that Jett was safe in my lap. Her ears perked up, she smelled Jett, and then it was okay enough for her, so she got in the car.

I don’t think we’ll ever own a dog quite like Mia. She knew things, she understood more than she sometimes let on. Plus she was always escaping. We of course were worried that she’d get hit by a car or taken, since she was a gentle spirit. But she was street smart luckily. She somehow learned to open doors and after she discovered that she wanted to see the world. She was an explorer in her own rights. I remember one time she had been gone and it took a long to figure out that she had left. She was always quiet, you’d never know she was sitting close by you in the living room. She always walked quietly around the house a sif she was hunting. She liked to pace because she really wanted to just be outside.

Which she ended up doing for more than 8 hours a day by choice. She liked being chained outside because she could watch the world move around her. Whenever we asked her if she wanted to come inside she’d turn her back and plant herself on the ground. Of course when it was dark we had to force her inside. But I’ll always remember how she’d escape and going missing for who knows how many hours. But she’d always come back. One time someone had come home from work and found her walking up the street. This was past 4pm and she had been inside that day. So who knows how long she had roamed the streets, but she always came home. And she was upset when we had to block the doors.

There was something about her that I’ll never really understand. I’ll never know, but I’ll always think about her spirit. I still expect to see her waiting outside for everyone to come home.

Dogs really are incredible creatures.

Dedicated to Mia, one of the the greatest canines to ever live.

Other’s Regrets

My sleep is all messed up again.

So I had a chat with my mom about the past and pushing me to go to school every day. It sucks to talk about, but now I feel as if I need to tell her exactly what I was feeling years ago. She knew I hated school, but not the reason. I told her the reason 2 and a half years ago. In which she replied, “I’m sorry, you should have said something, then I would have done something about it”. Really? I hope she’s telling the truth because she was so into having me in public school..it was crazy. I wanted to be home schooled until I graduated. I did get my wish and was homeschooled a couple of times. But not consistently.

This led me to bouncing around like 5 alternative schools within a span of 4 or 5 years, with some homeschooling in between. I was happy to wake up those months when I had a teacher come here to teach me. I was more focused and determined and definitely more well rounded. I wonder if my mom saw this change in my personality back then. If she did she would have allowed me to stay in that comfortable place instead of pushing me to socialize. What she now says is the reason she pushed me to leave the  house for schooling is because she felt inadequate to teach me herself.

She went on to explain the subjects that she could have taught me. But she said she felt that Math and Science were subjects she could not have taught. Then said that she could have just gotten someone else to teach those subjects. What I don’t understand is..why didn’t she have this type of reasoning back then. When she explained it to me she made perfect sense, but she’s over 6 years too late. I missed out on the opportunity to actually learn things. I didn’t learn shit in the alternative schools I went to. Thus giving me a shitty chance at getting into a good college.

Public school nearly killed me, alternative schools were draining me, being home schooled for a short time were some of my best months education wise. I had two different teachers come here to give me lessons and they both said that I was intelligent. I didn’t get that in public school on the count of being invisible in a crowd of loud obnoxious cretins. And the alternative schools only prepared the students by giving us social activities/practices we could use in the real world, instead of an actual education. Such a waste.

No wonder I’m so confused about life and what I can and can not do. It’s my past that’s freaking me out, causing me to have an appearance of  a bleak future. And no self confidence apparently. Still I wonder how I would have turned out if I had been home schooled until I graduated. I’d like to meet that version of myself.

I need a time machine.

Overslept

I don’t like waking up this late. Then I don’t feel like doing much..but I’m making an effort and washing my clothes. I really need to clean this room..

And it’s cold. No, freezing. Winter really isn’t as fun as I thought it was in the past haha. Now I understand why my family hates winter and the snow.. Living in a house that is extremely drafty just sucks, but one that is also really old.. Every time the wind blows it sounds like someone is banging on the windows and walls. It snowed the other day and I swear it felt like it did in here also. Crazy. But I’m seriously considering not living here all my life. Southern California is on my mind.

So the Grammy’s are coming on tonight..count me out. I don’t really listen to a lot of mainstream stuff, not enough to care who wins or not. Sometimes the people who are nominated I have never heard of. I like to keep myself in a little dome when it comes to music, particularly because of the mainstream stuff. I will listen to newer artists who are not popular, which end up gaining my respect. I don’t know, a lot of today’s music is now heavily influenced by electronica, which is something I can’t stand. A bunch of impersonal beats with nothing deep involved. Techno has a boldness and harshness to it, I can’t relate to a bunch of loud sounds. And since I can not dance, I have no use for it.

And anyway the same artists are nominated every year pretty much, with exception of a few breakout stars. Same type of crap, just different faces..

So I’ve been thinking about that keyboard I saw a few months ago. Which was not given to me as a Christmas present because of the state that my room is in. Damnit.. I messed up in that department. Now I just have to work ten times harder with my freelance stuff in order to get one. But I need a push,  a big one. I know I can do it, I’m more than positive that I could. But sometimes (especially with this weather) I don’t feel like doing much. Then that just leads to major disappointment with myself, I slip into old patterns, I end up hating everything..I basically can destroy myself in under an hour.

I think I’m just feeling partially confident today. And slightly annoyed because I have to restart everything in my game.

And am I the only one who didn’t get the point (or popularity) of “Superbad”?

Later.