Artwork: Dystopia

I think abstract, therefore I am. This was fun to make.

Getting In The Way

Why can’t my brain just shut down for five minutes? You’d think I was on a mission of some sort with the way I am constantly working overtime.

I was actually surprised I woke up at my usual time to get ready for my class. But my class ended last week. I guess in theory my inner conscience wanted to go and be with the people I had grown to like. I didn’t wake up with a jolt thinking I had someplace to be at a certain time. I was more worried about missing my favorite TV show..

CSI was awesome. That’s two in a row that I have liked. This season is going better than season 8, which was a mess script wise. And last year was pretty good with the stories and such. But last night’s episode really hit home in some ways. The story was basically about “What would you do for one’s affection?” and “How far would you go to keep that feeling in tact?”. I already knew what I’d do, but I can’t say that I could relate to how he handled things.

I’ve had moderately intense feelings before. but I’ve never felt the urge to “do whatever it takes to keep them”. I don’t understand that mentality, but I can partially sympathize with people like that. I guess this has a lot to do my past and not trusting people as a whole. I’ve been let down by my peers so I never really had the need to be “friends” with too many people. My one buddy is all I have ever considered a friend.

But relationship wise? I don’t think I’m in a healthy state for that. I’ve already been given the title for “caring too little” at times. I might be seen as selfish to some because of all of my gates and walls are made of steel. But I’m actually quite humble and can empathize with many things. But when dealing with myself and another..things get misconstrued.

Anyway, I just really like the episode, CSI hasn’t let me down in a while.

But my aunt decided to bring out this picture again of me and my youth. I hate that picture and I tried throwing it away, but she got it back and is now hiding it. It’s a picture of myself with some people I knew as a kid and I’m “smiling” on my birthday. I told her it was fake smile and I had fake everything that day. I had just turned 9 and I hated having that party. My mom wanted me to be social as a kid and it just made me bitter inside.

We went to a cool place that was similar to Chuck E Cheese called (at that time) Sports & Games. But it wasn’t the trip that made me unhappy, it was the people. So to make everyone happy and calm I just smiled and pretended I wasn’t dying inside. But in reality I cried later that night and hurt myself. So when I see that picture it just makes me ill. I did a lot of things back then that my family doesn’t know. My close encounters with death made me feel alive in some aspects. At least I could still feel.

Something is always getting in my way of having some kind of life. At least now I’m not being forced to do things I don’t want to. In a way, yeah, but I’m ultimately choosing how I want to live right now. I like just reading and listening to music. It’s as close to being relaxed as I’ll ever get and I don’t have as many dark days as I did when I was a kid.

Shield Bugs?

About a month ago or so I posted the fact that there has been a beetle issue around here. As it turns out it is not a beetle, but a stink bug. And where did they come from? And what’s with the creepy shield/transformer shape?

After seeing one finally partially up close for the first time (in my room), I could tell that they are from an Asian decent. I went to Google to see if anyone else had this problem and apparently these bugs are taking over the tri-state area. I think the problem is slightly heightened here in New Jersey. And my mom and aunts are getting reports from people at their jobs claiming to have the same problem.

It’s always good to know you’re not the only one with a bug problem.

This one website said that they are most likely a stowaway from East Asia. And since a lot of stuff is shipped from China to here..you do the math. I can’t help but wonder how many climbed aboard as precious cargo and are now raising alarm here. This is the first winter we are seeing these creatures and now that I have..it’s time for them to go.

I remember a month ago I suggested to have an exterminator comes in and kill them. Well..I’m glad we didn’t do that. I read that the scent of the stink bugs dead body will attract carpet beetles..I don’t want to know what they look like. I’m not “afraid” of most things, but these are just odd in appearance. I can’t account for how many I will have to kill in the near future. They can’t just stay here. I say, flush them.

The good news is that they don’t reproduce in the house in the summer. They do that around the perimeter of your house..how nice of them. And then bring the offspring in your house in the fall to play about. It’s been cold here in Jersey lately and we’ve seen them more often than we did months ago. They are looking for a warm place to chill, but they can’t do that here. They aren’t that big, but bigger than most stuff I’m used to seeing. Maybe a little less than an inch long, thick bodies..and wings.

And they show up out of nowhere and just crawl about. Like in a bad sci-fi movie. What’s great about them is that people of all ages, male and female, are freaked out about these things. These bugs literally have everyone saying “What the hell is that?”. There’s nothing much you can say when there are 20 or more collecting outside of your window.

It’s hard to explain, they’re just weird and ignite the horror that lurks deep inside us. They’re like the “2 girls, 1 cup” of bugs. Well, maybe not because they are tons of other creepy bugs that we don’t get in this area..but this is by far the creepiest I have ever seen up close..in the house.

Plus they don’t have heads, they’re just in a pointy shield shape. They just have a body with two pointers on the end that let’s us know that is where they begin. Very odd. Did I mention wings?

I also read that the smell of nicotine water will sort of drive them away. The article stated that we would have to place a bunch of cigarettes in to soak in the water before sprinkling the water along your walls and corners. I want to try it, but one of my aunts is against the smell of cigarettes.

I just want them gone. This old house is drafty in the winter and we need heaters on to make it a normal temperature while it’s freezing outside. Right now I have a heater on, for my sake, in my room..making it a great place for the stink bugs to crash and party.

I heard that the government is already working on the problem, trying to create a pheromone to drive them out of people’s homes. I doubt it will be done within the next two years..until then we wait and suffer with..them.

It’s hard to get to sleep when you “think” you see something move..with wings.

Lessons Learned?

I don’t know why my aunt continues to pass along messages of my past.

Last night she told me she ran into the mother of someone I used to know. And she went on about how she remembered my aunt and wanted to know what I had been up to. I don’t understand on both parts. Why? Because that lady’s snot daughter is one of many reasons why I’m a borderline reclusive misanthrope. It’s just another puzzle of my regrets and cold demeanor.

Why is that lady even bothering talking to my family. She was part of the reason why some kids in my class got their grades improved (by force) because she didn’t want her daughter to not have straight A’s. Complete bullshit. My mom was involved in the PTA and she was disgusted by what went on in those meetings. A bunch of lies and corrupted behavior took place in there.

But my aunt should know better now. I’ve been trying like hell to erase a lot of memories that have caused me harm. But no, she insists that I know everything that those bastards are doing these days. I guess no one in my family realizes that those kids were nice to me in front of my mom or aunts and then hassled me behind their backs. I was subjected to abuse, emotionally and physically and I guess that’s something they never took the time to figure out.

I shouldn’t have to spell it out to them, but they don’t take the time to know me. No one does. They probably assume I like the same shit I did ten years ago. They figure nothing really changes. It looks like I have to lie just to get by in this house. So many assumptions rather than ask how one’s doing. I don’t understand that type of behavior. Nothing pisses me off more than assumptions..well actually ignorance does.

If I were to die they wouldn’t have anything to say about me. They would all be things about me that were on the surface. A falsehood that they’d run on about. Nothing of depth or real importance.

Shit like this makes me hate and doubt everything with a passion. My day was running smoothly until this came up.

I’m hating the holidays already. Just give me my laptop so I can get the hell out of here.

Look Forward

Two nights ago I saw an advertisement on TV for a type of adventure I used to dream about as a kid. I’ve wondered how awesome it would be to see how dinosaurs moved about all those years ago. Or what the carnivores looked like when stalked their prey or how the herbivores would defend themselves. And this exhibit is unlike the trips to the museum in NYC I’ve been to.

It’s called “Walking With Dinosaurs” and it will be at Madison Square Garden next summer..actually about a week before my birthday. And I’m thinking I want to start saving up for a ticket. Since it will be at the Garden I won’t have to worry about finding streets. As soon as I get off the train I just go upstairs haha.

I never do anything for myself and I think I should make an attempt to try and live a little..for one night anyway.

But that’s not all I’m saving for. I did some searching online and found out that a skateboard sneaker company has made a limited edition sneaker with “Where The Wild Things Are” printed on them. Some shoes also feature one of the characters. I don’t care how childish they might look..then why are they made in adult sizes?

These are so awesome.

These two discoveries are on my list of things I need. I still need another Ipod because mine has a worn out battery. And I don’t want to wait too long to get another one because I have a feeling it’s getting to the point where it won’t start at all.

Look how crappy it is now. I had to tape it to the portable recharger in order for me to listen to more than 2 songs and not have it die on me.

And then there’s my keyboard. Nothing is wrong with it physically, but I want an updated one..you know one that sounds realistic? Mine is obviously for a beginner (it sounds like a kid’s toy) or someone who’s just playing around. I prefer one that not only sounds like an actual piano, but also has the ability to record what I’m playing. But it’s not a must, just a want.

So much to get..I hate freelancing. There are no guarantees that I’ll reach certain payments. With freelancing you can’t slack and say “Nah, I’ll do it later”. Procrastination will get you nowhere. I was naive about freelance writing two years ago, but now I think I’ve come up with a system. I realized that I have to spend hours and hours just typing out things and looking for companies that will hire an intermediate worker.

At least with a job out of the house you are guaranteed a continuous paycheck. But I don’t want to work anywhere, I get annoyed with my surroundings too quickly. And I wouldn’t know where to find a job that suits me. Retail sucks ass, a library would be too boring (but not ruled out), and a fast food place would kill me.

I have to keep doing the freelance stuff until something gives. Hopefully within the next month or so I can say that I have crossed off one thing on my list.

Good luck to me.

CJay out.

Messages And E-mails

Strange things happen every day, I should definitely know this. But sometimes good strange
things occur every once in a while that I feel the need to hold on to.

I sent an e-mail to my sign language teacher thanking her, telling her that I appreciated the class and how I’ve grown a bit and so forth. And she actually wrote me back. I feel a little awesome about that and just really surprised in general. I just thought it was a good idea and I’m kind of worried that I came across as a kiss ass haha.

Nah, I hope that I didn’t come across as a loser actually. She had really nice things to say to me, I feel content at this revelation. She said that I am good at sign language and that I have the potential to be great. I don’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t mention it in my second e-mail. In the second one I actually shared some personal information about myself..which I rarely do. But she seems..different.

A week and a half ago I traveled to Facebook and for fun I decided to look up names of people I remember. I saw the good, the bad, and the ugly. Old faces, still recognizable, but I don’t really recollect ‘who’ they are. I know who they are, but since I haven’t seen them since I was 12..I only remember what they used to be. Younger, awkward looking..evil.

But after a long painful hour of doing that, I searched for people that I went to my “special” school. And I remembered one name in particular because we were a lot alike. He’s a cool philosophical dude and I’ll always remember him because of his persona. I dared myself and sent him a message and he replied. He said he remembered me and told me some of the greatest words ever constructed..”If we can survive in (our school name) we can survive in the real world.

He’s awesome.

I don’t know what is making me literally search for people to talk to. Have I finally made it to that place where I need to speak to someone in order for my day to be okay? This is just making me reevaluate my surroundings and my inner thoughts and such. But the main question is…what is the message that people are giving me? I’ve never bothered to check until now, so why now?

It’s 3am and I’m feeling existential. And tonight I’m actually not craving beer.

“What we are never changes, who we are never stops changing”

Artwork: Country River

I don’t know why I post half-finished paintings..but I still have some corrections to make. And I still want to add more to the scene.

Maybe I should draw a couple of cows

Things I’m Working On

I’m too tired to type about the stuff going on in my head, so I’m going to post the projects that I’m currently working on.

I’d post another painting, but I’m not quite done yet. I’m working on 7 right now and I’m trying out my first animal. And since I’m a Leo I thought a lion would be my first pick. I’m actually surprised with how it looks so far. It’s a headshot with the lion facing the ‘camera’ so to speak. I only have the outline so far, just the background design and the lion’s mane. The hair looks really 3d so I’m proud about that.

The lion’s mane took over an hour. I had to add various browns, tans, and blacks in order for it not to look one dimensional. Then I shifted the colors around carefully so it looks like actual layered and blended fur.

Another painting I’m working on consists of an all black screen. But underneath I painted various colors all over the page. I found out with the ArtRage program you can create layers, so that’s what I did. The colorful part is underneath the layer of an all black screen. And with the eraser tool I can erase the black screen however I want so I can create a fireworks type of display. I learned that in 4th grade, but with crayon.

Another picture I’m workong on is a bright blue sky with some clouds (drawing clouds equals fun) and some grass and a huge stone. The stone has a 3d effect that I took the time to create. And I’m going to have an acoustic guitar leaning on the stone. The tan/yellowish look of the guitar will make it stand out against the color of the sky. I can’t wait for that one to be finished.

And the other paintings are either less exciting or ones that I have placed on here unfinished. If this doesn’t sound busy enough..I’m actually working on a book..

I’m not really shocked that I am because I’ve tried working on a book many times before, but never had an interesting enough story. What I chose to is rehash an old screenplay I had tossed out. Yeah, back in 2006(?) I had thrown out an 80 page screenplay because I was unhappy with it. I’m an idiot, I know. But I remember some things so I’m making it into a book instead. It will be a mystery/thriller.

And yesterday I have recently discovered a website called “This is Why You’re Fat” and I’m quite amused. I seriously procrastinated last night/early this morning because I was so into the website. It consists of pictures of the most enticing, as well as fattening, food on the planet. I have to admit that I want to try a lot of those foods…Japan has strawberry yogurt covered Cheetos..lucky..

And I noticed one thing on the list that I have had before. I have eaten plenty of Domino’s 3 cheese mac n’ cheese bread bowls. Back in October I had 3 in one week..

I guess I’ve been busier than I thought.

Artwork: The Creek

Day Twelve: Over and Underwhelmed

How can a night contain so much that I don’t know what to feel?

Tonight was my last sign language class. It was a strange night. But that’s not where everything began.

On the ride to the college, my mom started a conversation that led us saying upsetting things to each other. I don’t remember how it started, but it ended with both if us not knowing how to talk to one another. We don’t see eye to eye on certain things and on the topic of my future..well we are complete opposites.

She started yelling at me about how she saves up a ton of money to put me through school instead of paying for classes that she herself wants to take. And I told her I give her my ‘okay’ to ignore my school needs so she can pursue what she wants. I told her not to worry about my future, instead do what she wants to do in her life.

And she did not like this. I didn’t know what to say after that.

She then started ranting about how she wants to say she’s proud of me and tell other people that she’s proud of me. In others words..she wants to brag to people about me having tons of goals and accomplishments and currently she can’t say anything of the sort. So she wants bragging rights? I suggest she needs to adopt a child and allow them to give her what she wants.

I can’t handle things, at least not properly.

So she she tried her hardest to know my exact plans about the future. I told her the truth, I don’t have any. I play everything by ear because I never know how I’ll feel as the hours past. She told me to stop being so negative about everything. I said I didn’t care, I have too much stress. She doesn’t believe me. She said, “You have no reason to be stressed, you sleep all day and you do nothing”.

*shakes head* If you only knew..

Well I must be learning something, being on the computer all day. I’m learning that everything sucks..just about.

I can’t say that I care too much about that. But the conversation was making me angry and intolerant. She started arguing about other things about how she has worked hard her whole life and now has a child who does not want anything out of life. Not my problem she put me on a pedestal as soon as I was born..

I’m a bastard anyway.

So this went on for 20 minutes in the parking lot, waiting for class to start. I guess those fights I’ve heard about being stuck in a car with someone..I get it now. But I couldn’t help but notice the eerie contrast of our heated argument in the car with the snow quietly falling outside. There were a lot of pauses in between the ranting, so I watched the snowflakes.

The silence didn’t really bother since I had basically just woken up. After a little bit she said this was the biggest step I had taken since I graduated high school. She said she thought I had been going down a right path, potentially going to school in January. I told her that I don’t want to at this point. I explained to her that I didn’t want to go and be given tons of work and be graded way lower than what I should receive.

I made sure I stressed the “graded” part. I don’t like that aspect of school. Everyone learns differently, grades are pointless. She went on to say how it’s necessary and so on.. Well I told her it wasn’t something I’d like to experience for a while. You’d think she’d be happy that at least I’m still breathing. Instead of someone just accepting me and my flaws, I’m constantly in the midst of nagging.

At one point I could have sworn she was crying. She doesn’t cry easily actually, until she is completely stressed out. I hated being the cause of it, but she needs to understand how I feel about life in general. I haven’t told her about my quiet plans, but I’m been thinking about them more often. And she shouldn’t know, because it would make her sad.

So after our “goodbyes” I went inside with a heavy weight on my chest.

It takes me like a minute and a half to get to the main entrance of the building. So I took the time to try and calm down. But I knew I would not be able to concentrate.

And I couldn’t. I kept thinking about how I’ll most likely never see these people again. Over the past 12 weeks I’ve learned their names, what they do, where they love, and some of their likes and dislikes. I didn’t even talk to everyone in the room, or learn everyone’s names (I didn’t know three or four names)..but I still felt connected to something. And it felt good.

We reviewed stuff we had learned from both parts 1 and 2. And at the end of class we learned everyone’s birthdays. I thought it was fitting because it was like the final ‘getting to know you’ bit. And guess what..I got an e-mail address. Every week I sat next to a husband and wife and they kind of took me in like a ‘cub’ and adopted me. But it’s kind of funny how they would rely on me to help them whenever they forgot a sign for something.

But I will keep in touch with them. I guess I should keep that promise.

And I’ll miss my teacher. She made things fun and because of her I got to forget about my bullshit for two hours each week. I should send her an e-mail and thank her.

I clock-watched the whole time because I didn’t want to leave. I knew that once I left the building my boring mediocre life would return. I’m left in the darkness again.

I was almost hesitant when I reached the car. I didn’t know if my mom would still be angry or sad or..something. She’s been smoking a lot lately. She says she does it because of stress. She had quit a long time ago and picked it up again last year. When I got to the car the smoke stung my eyes. I’m guessing must have been her second one..

I tried keeping the peace. I told her I was actually kind of sad about not having class anymore. Instead of saying something a bit (fill in the word) she went with, “Yeah, now you’re back to being within your four walls all day”. Okay..messed up, but I kept quiet. She then asked me if I wanted to continue with sign language. I said, “I don’t know” and that’s never an answer she likes to hear.

She’s always asking me about the future, I hate it. We can’t really talk unless it’s about me and what I ’should’ be doing in life. We can have a perfectly normal conversation about movies or music and then everything becomes a mess when talking about my future. I know she wants me to take a Creative Writing class, but I don’t want to. I’m keeping up with this blog every day and that’s a workout for me. Besides, I suck at storytelling, no matter what she says.

And tonight she said something for the first time. She said I should take a Sociology class. I was slightly interested in where that was going, but I shouldn’t have been so curious. So I cautiously said, “Why?” and she said, “So you can figure out what is going on in your head. Another cheap shot. Then she said that I needed to go register for insurance of some sort tomorrow.

And..ask about getting some medicine for my depression. I knew this was coming up eventually. She said it’s not normal for a person to not have any goals in life. It’s normal to not want to do certain things, but you do them and grow and gain..or whatever.

I’m going to stop myself from what I really want to say..

When I got home the house never felt so cold. It’s cold on the first floor because of the weather, but something else was involved. And that’s when I knew. My mom had spoken to one of my aunts about my “scene” in the car. I can always tell when things go unsaid in the house (even if two people know the situation), that bothers me.

So I watched CSI hoping to get my mind off things. The episode was interesting and I felt my stress go away. Until my aunt walked in and I got a strange feeling in my gut. She acts differently when she’s unsure about things. And I tried talking to her about an hour ago and she acted like she didn’t want to see my face, let alone her me speak.

So everyone cares about my life and how I’ll end up, but me? Okay..dealing with it…and forgotten. I see that I have to become cold sometimes in order for things to slide right off me. I guess I have to make my own backbone from scratch.

To anyone who cares..I got my second certificate.

I can’t even celebrate properly. I don’t want a party or a “pity party” as my mom so nicely put it. But I did accomplish something tonight and it’s going unnoticed. Off to bed and wait for tomorrow to start..again I sit and read until I fall asleep around 10am.

At least now they can’t say that I haven’t accomplished anything..

I guess it’s up to me to make my favorite concoction to celebrate. I’m off to drink beer and down sleeping pills.

I love my life.