So Many Reasons

I couldn’t sleep. I was visited by a migraine that wouldn’t and it wouldn’t let me go. I was up until about 5am just..thinking. It was tough to attempt to move, let alone fall asleep. My head was pounding and I felt really cold. The room wasn’t cold, it felt like it was just me. Sometimes it feel like my entire nervous system deadens. I’m wondering if that could be associated with something.

I knew something was wrong with me when I listened to the same song over and over for about an hour. I could barely hear it playing at some points. I didn’t even realize I did that until I happen to glance at the clock. I felt stuck in my thoughts and time somehow moved around me. I felt disconnected from everything.

And I keep having these weird dreams. They’re never happy, not even happy adjacent. In dreams I’m constantly reminded of all the reasons I hate myself. And usually that causes others to hate me. Then that leads to me being chased or killed.

Now that I’m thinking about, I think I know what triggered the migraine.

I spent some time last night researching the odds of getting into New York University. And the chance of me getting in is very small. I read a list of things they look for in potential students and I don’t think I’m an example of their type.

They stressed how they appreciate someone who has spent time doing an assortment of extracurricular activities on their own or in high school. They like this because it shows “character”. I got the vibe that SAT scores are only kind of important to them, unlike the extracurricular stuff. They still like high scores, but I guess they are willing to look past a moderate score if you participated in charities and such.

I feel sick..

I’ve never been active in school. I barely finished high school on time because I was absent so often. There’s no excuse because I just didn’t care. I had other things I needed to sort out and school was never on my mind, let alone college. I didn’t go to a normal high school either. I went to several odd schools within the span of five years.

And I never took my SAT. There was no point. I wasn’t taught the usual stuff. I never experienced Chemistry, Biology, anything higher than level 1 Algebra. The schools I went to didn’t focus on schoolwork. They wanted to make sure we were comfortable being ourselves and in group settings. So we were basically forced to talk about our feelings and do a lot of social workouts.

Yeah, these shitty schools do exist. I don’t recommend one of if you are sane. They only take students with behavioral problems, mental disabilities, and suicidal kids. That’s the only reason why I went. Long story short, my town thought I needed to be in one of them and I agreed.

So I have no reason to even think that NYU would take me. It’s stupid to think otherwise anyway. I’m already way behind mentally with people in my age group. I haven’t accomplished anything. And I’m sick of daydreaming about things that are way out of my reach. Why do I do this to myself?

And to think my high school reunion is in five years. They couldn’t pay me..

What To Do..

I’m completely worn out. Yesterday’s adventure left extremely tired.

But enough of that. What am I going to do today?

A week ago I discovered ArtRage, awesome art software, but I don’t really feel inspired enough for me to paint. I spent two days last weekend coming up with some ideas for a new painting. I should be writing at least, but I’m not really feelin’ it now either. I need a creativity boost..

I might watch some films online. I call myself a movie buff, but over the past few years my interest has declined. I spent more time creating music than learning about film techniques. I used to want to be a director, you know. Those days are gone, along with wanting to be a lawyer..

But my interest in many things has plummeted.

I kind of still want to keep writing, but I never feel like my stuff is worth publishing. It’s a push and pull effect that I struggle to make sense of, or get rid of. I like being creative and keeping my mind alert..but too much comes with that. The self doubt and uncertainty are a bitch. I can’t remember the last time I picked up my guitar. I don’t think I remember how to play any of the numerous songs I used to know. All of that is slipping away.

I need a new me.

I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m writing this for the sake of not missing a day on this blog. I’m doing really well as far as perfect attendance goes. I can be an overachiever when I want to be.

Peace.

A Really Good, Awesome Day

Today is my mom’s B-Day and we traveled to a casino for the day.

In 2008 we took a trip to Atlantic City to gamble and that didn’t go well. Up until yesterday I had no form of ID..at all. And so after spending a hour playing I was questioned by security because I look so young. Then we were kicked out…

Today was better than that day.

I don’t know how long this casino has been there, but it’s an awesome place to visit. It’s in the Poconos in Pennsylvania, which is an hour away from where we live.

The vibe is really great and the set up inside, as well as outside, is photo-worthy. And I got to register for future time spent at this casino. We were given special Mount Airy cards that over time as we play, we earn something extra. What??? So awesome. In the end I gained $1.60 on my card because I was playing so long and hitting some jackpots.

But I came home with just over 17 bucks in my pocket. It was my choice to do so. I spent 60 bucks today (maybe more) and I think I earned all it back and then some. But I continued to play as I earn back the cash. I chose to stand once I reached 17 bucks and I congratulated myself for doing so. There’s no need for a gambling habit..I could so easily fall.

And all of the beer around me was tempting.. I didn’t cave because I wanted to be alert for my gambling time. But maybe next time..

The only thing that sucked was the constant burning sensation in the air. Almost everyone was smoking and they all looked glass-eyed as they played for hours. That’s one thing that amazes me..we were there for four hours, but it felt like one. Time goes by so fast, I swear I could spend a full 24 hours just pressing buttons and moving from chair to chair.

And some people realized I was hitting a lot of good machines and they were watching me. Those people will practically kill you just to get your chair. I had people circling me because I obviously had  good machines to work with. Like vultures..

I guess I really do have a gambler’s spirit..but I don’t think I’ll ever go too far in the matter. This is all new to me so I’m really stoked about returning.

This was an awesome day.

Later.

Day Nine: It Went Well..

My day was highly stressful, but I was able to compose myself. I walked into the room feeling confident and had a small chat with two people I know fairly well now. And I made my brain function normally by the time the teacher walked into the room.

Class turned out to be be fun. It usually is, but I had one really upsetting day, but I don’t want to talk about that. Tonight made me feel relaxed. All of the stress was gone for two hours and I was able to forget how angry I was a few hours earlier. My concentration level was moderately high..a good place to be in my opinion.

Tonight we learned about the signs for money, which I particularly found interesting. We also learned directional signs, which are extremely important. I think I can now tell the difference between someone signing me a question and telling me to do something.

We played a game that was kind of like Uno or something..it reminded me of something I used to play as a kid. We were in groups and we were given an assortment of pictures on little pieces of paper. We had to sign what was needed to complete the question. (Ex. One picture had a man thinking about having coffee. We had to look at our piles to see if we had someone holding a coffee mug. But we had to sign what was happening in both pictures.)

Probably had to be there to enjoy the casual banter..but it made me smile.

I can’t believe I only have three classes left. That’s making me nervous..I don’t want it to end. I feel like I’ll miss everyone I’m so used to seeing every Thursday night. I must be regaining all of my use of my heart..

I feel a little better now that I can chill out in my room, have some time to breathe. And tomorrow, for my mom’s birthday, we are spending some time in a casino.

Bring it on.

Later.

I Hate This Place, I Really Do

It’s funny how people go out of their way to ruin my entire day.

I had to get up extra early this morning because I had no choice in the matter. My mom got tired of me sitting around not doing anything about making myself exist. I had to travel all over the county to get some form of ID. This morning I woke up without having a record of my existence, now I’m one of the living.

If things were within my grasp, I wouldn’t do a damn thing about it. I didn’t want a form of identification. My whole family is worried that if or when I leave the house I’ll end up dead without a name attached myself. I really couldn’t fucking care less. Less problems my family would have if that happened..less bills to pay too.

So I went to apply for a state ID and I got ridiculed twice. This chick at the counter was laughing at me because I didn’t know how things were run. And she laughed at me because of my age and the fact that my mom was helping me out. And then a fucking cop joined in. I was mad as hell. And I was so fucking close to punching her, but I didn’t want to get arrested..more problems.

Then I had to go to another place to apply for a new social security card. I probably looked like an idiot to them too. Then after that I had to go back to the first place where I was ridiculed. I’m sure my fucking story made their day brighter..

And while I was there I was explaining to the stupid chick that I “was tired” at the moment..my fake reason as to why I was not responding to their humor. So she decided to ask if I ever smile. Well I put on my best blank stare and sharply said “No”, which I made sound like “Fuck You” in disguise. Then I was questioned again by another person because of my lack of smiling…I can never win.

Does everyone need to have a sunny disposition in this life? If so, I want no part of it. I won’t fake my feelings because I don’t care. I don’t give a shit that my blankness makes you uneasy. I have better things to do than smile..

Of course I needed to do one more thing to before I could come home. I had to open a checking account. Why the fuck do I need that for at this point and time? I’m sick of this. It’s everything that bothers me. People don’t get this, I do not want to live.

So here I am with two forms of ID in a new plastic hell.

When I was a kid, when I got pissed off at whatever, I broke or shredded something. And usually something that couldn’t easily be replaced. And I still do this sometimes. Of course now I’m able to control most of my anger, but when it comes it’s in the most negative form.

Right now..all I want to do..is take my new plastic cards..and place them between my nice silver scissors and cut them until my hands bleed.

My mom thinks I’m pissed because I was forced to behave like an adult today. But I think it’s just because I don’t care about existing. Less than a year ago, I hadn’t planned to live, get to the new year. Over the past five years it’s been like this. I’m caught in some big middle. Finding and gaining an identity hasn’t been on my priority list since I was 5. Not the way I want it.

Screw everything in the middle. I’ll be stuck here until I find the courage to end this suffering. I haven’t prayed since I was a kid. But lately I’ve found myself doing it almost every night, hoping to die in my sleep.

Why stay here where I’m constantly haunted by migraines, misunderstanding, aging, and hopelessness. I’ve lost childhood, adulthood hasn’t really arrived, where else can I go? I’m just glad I said ‘yes’ to being an organ donor. See..at my most vulnerable I still think about others. Why is that?

And of course I have class tonight. I have an hour to compose myself.

And tomorrow’s my mom’s birthday and she wants to hang out. A birthday plan with her “lovable” one and only offspring..or..a ploy to get me out of the house and “live” a little.

I can sense that she feels she’s losing me. She’ll never say it, but it’s in her eyes.

Information For Writers

I have yet to compose a list of my personal favorite writing pages along with some recent pages I have stumbled across. The reason why I’m doing this is so that writers who are either new to the game or just unsure how to go about finding decent websites. I will provide a list of various types of ways to either earn some cash, promote your work, or outlets for creative fun.

*In order to get paid from most writing (articles) sites, you must have a PayPal account.*

Write and Earn

Helium

I’ve been with Helium for two years and I can say that it is a sturdy site. You have to work hard to promote your articles or you will not see high dollar amounts. I can also say that it is legit, they in fact do pay you. However, you have to wait until you’ve reached $25 to request your money and have it sent to your PayPal account.

What I like best about Helium is the fact that there are tons of different categories that you can choose from to submit an article. And it’s not just information articles, they have a Creative Writing section.

Associated Content

I’ve also been with AC for a while now and I don’t have anything negative to say about this site either. Again, you have to work hard to promote your work. And you do get paid. But in order to see an increase in your payment amounts, you need to gain a lot of page hits (readers). I like their open door policy with their content. They always have topics you can add to, but you can also submit your own work..any subject you want.

MyLot

This site is offbeat and should be seen as a paying social networking site. Once you sign up you need to add to your profile. This consists of your interests, ranging from your favorite movies to your favorite foods. And then you talk about them..that’s it. But their is a catch to earning money. When responding to a topic of interest, you must have over four lines of dialogue (a paragraph) for you to earn money. And you can request for money only when you’ve reached either $10, $50, or $100.

Writers Weekly

This isn’t an article site, but it works just as well. Writers Weekly will provide you with links to freelance offers, links to other freelance sites, and of course writing contests. I find the contests to be the highlight of the website. Every writer, serious or not, should enter at least 5 contests in their lifetime. It’s fun, you might bank some serious cash, and it’s a good way to get published.

Creative Outlets

Editor Unleashed

This forum is new to me, but I already can see myself hanging out there more often. From what I have learned, they sometimes offer contests, but for the most part it’s a good way to learn about your craft. You can meet new writers and share your work, even have it critiqued.

Fiction Press

This is a good, fun site where you can upload your stories or poems. There are many different categories to submit to. And it’s challenging because sometimes you can’t tell whether or not people will continue to read what you write.

Writing.com

Not only does it give out tons of writing information, but it also provides a forum where you can meet and chat with other writers. You can also look for current contests that are going on.

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I’ll have to do more research to add to this list. These are just the ones that I use the most. I will add a future post of new links I Stumbleupon.

Peace.

Problem

My muse has left me. No more artwork for today, i couldn’t think of anything. But I still have one I’m working on..maybe later.

Last night was kind of crazy in this house. We now have a infestation of these weird beetles. And these things are huge (about the length of two quarters and the thickness of the top half of your finger). Apparently someone spotted them a little while ago, but now they are showing up a little too often.

I want them gone, but no one is doing anything about it. I suggested we have the house sprayed, fumed, whatever, but they don’t want to find the cash to pay for an exterminator. So I’m on my own in my very own worried boat. We don’t know what type of beetle they are, what if they bite? What if one of us is allergic? What if one of the dogs gets bitten or decides to eat one and gets sick?

See, I think about these things..no one else seems to care. My family wants to “live” with it..or them, in this case. What the… I like being comfortable in my own damn house without worrying about little things like this. Any sign of infestation I go into “Let’s kill them all!” mode. I made a suggestion, they told me I was overreacting. So, for now, I’m in my ship of one..

And I’ve yet to see one up close. And I’ve yet to have one in my room. So can’t exactly Google the damn thing.

They’re big. They’re crunchy. They have to go.

Later.

Artwork: Good Vs. Evil

This one also started without a theme. I literally made 3 large squares (one black, red, blue) and shifted and mixed colors around until things started happening. I don’t know if my vision is clear, but I’m not worried about that. It’s up for interpretation. And I think I know which one is “good” or “evil”, but I didn’t want it to be too obvious..since human nature is deeply complex.

And the heart is just the referee.

Artwork: Storm Valley

I can’t believe I have created 4 paintings in the past 24 hours. This whole drawing thing is new to me. They each took me about 90 minutes to 2 hours to complete. I’m still in the process of thinking about future artwork and the possible themes.

Speaking of themes, what is it about me and trees? I have a feeling I will have more paintings with one in them. And I’m still trying to figure out my style. I’m highly concerned about texture and creating the perfect lighting and shadings. Since I’m not an artist by any means, I’m not too worried about making things look overly realistic..but not too cartoon-ish either.

This is called “Storm Valley” until I find something better for it.

Artwork: By Sea

“By Sea”